Monologue - Lurve

 

Lurve 2010

 

A man sits at a computer, or stands holding a personal communication device (a phone, durr)

 

I've got this great new application. Just got to download Lurve2010 and it will tell me everything I need to do to be more loving.

 

Let's see. Click here and yes, it's coming through. Downloading ap now.

 

Brilliant. I'm so excited. Save all that awkward time trying to work out what to say to people. Especially women. Hey, I'll be able to walk up to complete strangers, beautiful women and have the perfect chat up line.

 

Fantastic. I'm not having much success with 'See that Porsche in the car-park; well mine's the Nissan Micra next to it.'

 

OK. Here we go.

 

'Before installing Lurve2010 please read the user agreement and tick the box. OK let's just check scroll down. And down. And down. And, oh I'm bored they're all the same, I'll just tick the box that I've read it.

 

And here we go downloading now, oh another dialogue box. 'This is a large application and may take some time to download.' OK, I've got time. I suppose I'd better keep an eye on it (I hate this bit) in case it needs a click every now and again.

 

'Your device may need to restart several times and various outdated applications will have to be removed.'

 

Click OK.

 

'Checking for relevant software.'

 

'Found 7 programmes.'

 

'Click OK to Delete Anger 97, Bitterness 98, Revenge 98, Insensitivity 01 (This is a large file and deletion may take a few minutes), Insensitivity 02, Laziness 03 and Impatience with Unkindness 05.'

 

Wow. I don't remember installing them.

 

'Also Lust 95 which has now been removed and reinstalled on several occasions.'

 

Oops.

 

'Now downloading Lurve2010. Please breathe deeply during this process.'

 

'Installing forgiveness wizard.'

 

'Saving to fruit directory.'

 

Fruit directory?

 

What?

 

'Click Help.'

 

The fruit directory has now overwritten all previous negative applications with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

 

SELF CONTROL? 'Click to continue.' (click real hard)

 

'Warning. Before attempting to use this software for the first time please read Matthew 27, Mark 15, Luke 23 and John 19. The developer of this software found he had to lay down his life for his friends. Please note Lurve2010 is free but, as you agreed when signing the licence, the cost may be everything you have.'

 

Everything I have. I should have read the small print properly.

 

Still, now, it's opening.

 

Please go immediately to ap ... (hooray it's working) ... ap... ap... (this is taking so long) ap - ologise